Yearly Archives: 2025

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Like most young men in the church, I grew up terrified of my own body, since I was taught that sins of unchastity were second in seriousness only to murder. And yet I found it very confusing that God would give me such powerful sexual urges, then forbid me from expressing those urges in any way, and with perilous consequences if I did. And that is exactly what happened… except I compulsively repented. I couldn’t stop repenting. Just as I couldn’t stop “sinning.” It broke me. It made me feel that I was outside the reach of divine grace. And with my desire to marry a good Mormon woman tied up in that struggle, I felt like I would never be worthy enough realize that hope. Even though I eventually did, somehow. - Nathanael's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/nathanael-davenport/
Like most young men in the church, I grew up terrified of my own body, since I was taught that sins of unchastity were second in seriousness only to murder. And yet I found it very confusing that God would give me such powerful sexual urges, then forbid me from expressing those urges in any way, and with perilous consequences if I did. And that is exactly what happened… except I compulsively repented. I couldn’t stop repenting. Just as I couldn’t stop “sinning.” It broke me. It made me feel that I was outside the reach of divine grace. And with my desire to marry a good Mormon woman tied up in that struggle, I felt like I would never be worthy enough realize that hope. Even though I eventually did, somehow. - Nathanael's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/nathanael-davenport/
I experienced a lot of joy in connection with my membership in the church, but also a great deal of pain, which I managed to bury deeply for many years without realizing it. The earliest memory I have of any kind of dissonance about church doctrine, related to the necessity of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As a teenager, I couldn’t understand why God would make the conditions of salvation so unattainable that he had to sacrifice his only perfect son in order to let us have a chance to return to him. It seemed unnecessarily complicated and incoherent, and no explanations/parables/metaphors that were taught to me helped me understand it more. It was one of those things that I just accepted on "faith." - Nathanael's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/nathanael-davenport/
I experienced a lot of joy in connection with my membership in the church, but also a great deal of pain, which I managed to bury deeply for many years without realizing it. The earliest memory I have of any kind of dissonance about church doctrine, related to the necessity of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As a teenager, I couldn’t understand why God would make the conditions of salvation so unattainable that he had to sacrifice his only perfect son in order to let us have a chance to return to him. It seemed unnecessarily complicated and incoherent, and no explanations/parables/metaphors that were taught to me helped me understand it more. It was one of those things that I just accepted on "faith." - Nathanael's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/nathanael-davenport/
Hi, I’m Nathanael. My mother’s ancestors were among the original pioneers of the church. My father was a convert from Protestant Christianity. My participation in the Mormon church defined my life… my identity, my aspirations, and my purpose. I believed it wholeheartedly. I did everything the church expected of me: I graduated from seminary, served a mission in Canada, attended a church university (BYU-Idaho) and graduated with a bachelor’s degree, and married in the temple. I was a Mormon. - Nathanael's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/nathanael-davenport/
Hi, I’m Nathanael. My mother’s ancestors were among the original pioneers of the church. My father was a convert from Protestant Christianity. My participation in the Mormon church defined my life… my identity, my aspirations, and my purpose. I believed it wholeheartedly. I did everything the church expected of me: I graduated from seminary, served a mission in Canada, attended a church university (BYU-Idaho) and graduated with a bachelor’s degree, and married in the temple. I was a Mormon. - Nathanael's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/nathanael-davenport/
A subtle and very effective form of censorship is the silent treatment. "It is permitted," writes St. Augustine, "for the purpose of building up religion in things pertaining to piety, when necessary, to conceal whatever appears to need concealing; but it is not permitted to lie, of course, and so one may not conceal by way of lying." - Hugh Nibley, Renowned LDS Scholar, Mormonism and Early Christianity | wasmormon.org
A subtle and very effective form of censorship is the silent treatment. "It is permitted," writes St. Augustine, "for the purpose of building up religion in things pertaining to piety, when necessary, to conceal whatever appears to need concealing; but it is not permitted to lie, of course, and so one may not conceal by way of lying." - Hugh Nibley, Renowned LDS Scholar, Mormonism and Early Christianity
“Be prepared for circumstances that may be painful and contrary to your personal interest and comfort where you must keep confidences, even if someone calls you a liar. It requires a sophisticated analysis of the circumstances and a finely tuned conscience to distinguish between the situation where you are obliged by duty to speak and the situation where you are obliged by duty, commandment, or covenant to remain silent.” - Dallin H. Oaks, LDS Apostle, "Gospel Teachings About Lying," September 12, 1993 | wasmormon.org
“Be prepared for circumstances that may be painful and contrary to your personal interest and comfort where you must keep confidences, even if someone calls you a liar. It requires a sophisticated analysis of the circumstances and a finely tuned conscience to distinguish between the situation where you are obliged by duty to speak and the situation where you are obliged by duty, commandment, or covenant to remain silent.” - Dallin H. Oaks, LDS Apostle, "Gospel Teachings About Lying," September 12, 1993
“We must not lie, but we are free to tell less than we know when we have no duty to disclose... One is not a liar when one remains silent in a circumstance in which there is no duty to disclose.” - Dallin H. Oaks, LDS Apostle, "Gospel Teachings About Lying," September 12, 1993 | wasmormon.org
“We must not lie, but we are free to tell less than we know when we have no duty to disclose... One is not a liar when one remains silent in a circumstance in which there is no duty to disclose.” - Dallin H. Oaks, LDS Apostle, "Gospel Teachings About Lying," September 12, 1993

Lying for the Lord

The idea of “lying for the Lord” has long been whispered among members and critics of the LDS Church alike. It reflects the sense that leaders and members sometimes feel justified in withholding, distorting, or even outright fabricating information in order to protect the church or further its goals. In other words, the ends are …

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Sunstone Symposium Recap

The Sunstone Symposium is an annual conference where anyone with an interest in things Mormon—and Mormon-adjacent—can gather to learn, discuss, and connect. It’s a unique space where active Latter-day Saints, fundamentalist Mormons, scholars, and ex-Mormons come together to explore a wide range of ideas in a respectful and curious environment. This year’s symposium, held in …

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“A lie can be effectively communicated without words ever being spoken. Sometimes a nod of the head or silence can deceive. Recommending a questionable business investment, making a false entry in a ledger, devious use of flattery, or failure to divulge all pertinent facts are a few other ways to communicate the lie.” - Marvin J. Ashton, LDS Apostle, "This Is No Harm," General Conference April 1982 | wasmormon.org
“A lie can be effectively communicated without words ever being spoken. Sometimes a nod of the head or silence can deceive. Recommending a questionable business investment, making a false entry in a ledger, devious use of flattery, or failure to divulge all pertinent facts are a few other ways to communicate the lie.” - Marvin J. Ashton, LDS Apostle, "This Is No Harm," General Conference April 1982
This is a spotlight on a profile shared at wasmormon.org. These are just the highlights, so please find the full story at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/. There are stories of Mormon faith journeys contributed by hundreds of users like you. Come check them out and consider sharing your own story at wasmormon.org!
This is a spotlight on a profile shared at wasmormon.org. These are just the highlights, so please find the full story at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/. There are stories of Mormon faith journeys contributed by hundreds of users like you. Come check them out and consider sharing your own story at wasmormon.org!
It has been so difficult, but it is getting better. I promise that it gets better. Now I look at the church much as I did when I was an eight year old. It's one of many religions. And certainly there are many good believing Mormons trying to live good believing lives. But I'm out—out of the boat. And I love who I am. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
It has been so difficult, but it is getting better. I promise that it gets better. Now I look at the church much as I did when I was an eight year old. It's one of many religions. And certainly there are many good believing Mormons trying to live good believing lives. But I'm out—out of the boat. And I love who I am. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
I wanted it all to be true. Like so many others, I began researching and chasing footnotes not to prove the church false but to prove it true. I felt sick. I felt angry. I felt deceived. So here I am, after nearly 50 years in the church, realizing that all I had believed in is false. The keystone of my religion has come crashing down taking Joseph Smith and the doctrines of the church with it. The Mormon church is not the one true church. Joseph Smith is not a prophet. The Book of Mormon is not a true history. I don't believe any of it because I can't. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
I wanted it all to be true. Like so many others, I began researching and chasing footnotes not to prove the church false but to prove it true. I felt sick. I felt angry. I felt deceived. So here I am, after nearly 50 years in the church, realizing that all I had believed in is false. The keystone of my religion has come crashing down taking Joseph Smith and the doctrines of the church with it. The Mormon church is not the one true church. Joseph Smith is not a prophet. The Book of Mormon is not a true history. I don't believe any of it because I can't. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
Thank you Internet. Thank you Fawn Brodie, B.H. Roberts, Richard Bushman, Dan Vogel, William Clayton, Todd Compton, Linda King Newell and Valeen Tippetts Avery, Grant Palmer, Robert Ritner, the Tanners, the Joseph Smith Papers, and a host of podcasters. And thank you Jeremy Runnells, Letter for My Wife, and thank you Gospel Topic Essays. There's more, so much more. And I had not been taught ANY OF IT—not at church meetings, general conference, Institute classes, BYU, a mission, a lifetime in the Mormon church. What a betrayal. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
Thank you Internet. Thank you Fawn Brodie, B.H. Roberts, Richard Bushman, Dan Vogel, William Clayton, Todd Compton, Linda King Newell and Valeen Tippetts Avery, Grant Palmer, Robert Ritner, the Tanners, the Joseph Smith Papers, and a host of podcasters. And thank you Jeremy Runnells, Letter for My Wife, and thank you Gospel Topic Essays. There's more, so much more. And I had not been taught ANY OF IT—not at church meetings, general conference, Institute classes, BYU, a mission, a lifetime in the Mormon church. What a betrayal. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
But the questions were growing. What about Joseph Smith and polygamy? 30+ wives? Did he really marry children as young as 14? Did he marry married women? What were the plates for if Joseph just needed a rock in a hat? Wait—a rock in a hat? What in the world does Masonry have to do with the temple ceremony? The Book of Abraham doesn't have anything to do with Abraham? - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
But the questions were growing. What about Joseph Smith and polygamy? 30+ wives? Did he really marry children as young as 14? Did he marry married women? What were the plates for if Joseph just needed a rock in a hat? Wait—a rock in a hat? What in the world does Masonry have to do with the temple ceremony? The Book of Abraham doesn't have anything to do with Abraham? - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
We began work at then Ricks College, later BYU Idaho, in Rexburg. Wow, if I had thought that Provo was an insular place, I was to live for three decades in a claustrophobic, narrow-minded, self-righteous community where I never entirely felt I belonged. I tried. Oh I tried. And I held the usual callings, but again the niggling. What I needed to do was try harder. Pray more. Attend that temple where I felt so uncomfortable. Read the scriptures. Put that shoulder to the wheel. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
We began work at then Ricks College, later BYU Idaho, in Rexburg. Wow, if I had thought that Provo was an insular place, I was to live for three decades in a claustrophobic, narrow-minded, self-righteous community where I never entirely felt I belonged. I tried. Oh I tried. And I held the usual callings, but again the niggling. What I needed to do was try harder. Pray more. Attend that temple where I felt so uncomfortable. Read the scriptures. Put that shoulder to the wheel. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
I was anticipating marriage and family. As a 26 year old, I felt (wrongly) that I was getting old and didn't want to be a single LDS woman for the rest of my life. There was the temple sealing I had long been looking forward to, but not a single member of my family was allowed in the temple, and I had another question on the back burner: Surely there's a way to include non-member and inactive family members at a temple wedding? And don't get me started on the Endowment ceremony. Could it be any weirder? That back burner was starting to get crowded. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
I was anticipating marriage and family. As a 26 year old, I felt (wrongly) that I was getting old and didn't want to be a single LDS woman for the rest of my life. There was the temple sealing I had long been looking forward to, but not a single member of my family was allowed in the temple, and I had another question on the back burner: Surely there's a way to include non-member and inactive family members at a temple wedding? And don't get me started on the Endowment ceremony. Could it be any weirder? That back burner was starting to get crowded. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
Immediately after graduation I left on a mission to Uruguay. Oh how I wanted to share the gospel that I held so dear. It was a good experience all in all, but I began to have questions. And the biggest questions centered on polygamy. Polygamy niggled at me for years. I was told to have faith. We can't understand everything in this life after all. So the whole disquieting issue went on the back burner where it slowly simmered. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
Immediately after graduation I left on a mission to Uruguay. Oh how I wanted to share the gospel that I held so dear. It was a good experience all in all, but I began to have questions. And the biggest questions centered on polygamy. Polygamy niggled at me for years. I was told to have faith. We can't understand everything in this life after all. So the whole disquieting issue went on the back burner where it slowly simmered. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
So I dove into the Book of Mormon and excitedly read James Talmage's Jesus the Christ and The Articles of Faith. There was so much to learn. Two years later I was at BYU, thinking it would be a great experience to be surrounded by so many church members. And it was for a few months until a sense of 'Too Much' began settling in. I still loved the church, and I loved my people, although Provo was a strange place indeed, and BYU had ridiculous rules. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
So I dove into the Book of Mormon and excitedly read James Talmage's Jesus the Christ and The Articles of Faith. There was so much to learn. Two years later I was at BYU, thinking it would be a great experience to be surrounded by so many church members. And it was for a few months until a sense of 'Too Much' began settling in. I still loved the church, and I loved my people, although Provo was a strange place indeed, and BYU had ridiculous rules. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
Fast forward to the summer before my senior year of high school when my mother, my siblings and I moved far from Los Angeles to a sleepy little town on the central California coast. It was there that we began attending the local Mormon church, and it was a welcoming experience for all of us. I became involved in the Institute where I found a wonderful group of kids, several of whom became good friends. I felt that I was among my people. And I felt that I had a lot of catching up to do. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
Fast forward to the summer before my senior year of high school when my mother, my siblings and I moved far from Los Angeles to a sleepy little town on the central California coast. It was there that we began attending the local Mormon church, and it was a welcoming experience for all of us. I became involved in the Institute where I found a wonderful group of kids, several of whom became good friends. I felt that I was among my people. And I felt that I had a lot of catching up to do. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
I was baptized at 8 years old on the Fourth of July. But I wasn't active in the church until I was 18. As a result, I've always felt like a convert. I agreed to the baptism because I felt it was something my mother wanted, but I understood none of it, and in fact, what I was really looking forward to wasn't the baptism at all but the fireworks that night. Mormonism was just another religion to me because all my friends were Catholics or Baptists or nothing at all. I had been attending a Baptist elementary school since kindergarten, and I occasionally joined my friend for Saturday mass. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/
I was baptized at 8 years old on the Fourth of July. But I wasn't active in the church until I was 18. As a result, I've always felt like a convert. I agreed to the baptism because I felt it was something my mother wanted, but I understood none of it, and in fact, what I was really looking forward to wasn't the baptism at all but the fireworks that night. Mormonism was just another religion to me because all my friends were Catholics or Baptists or nothing at all. I had been attending a Baptist elementary school since kindergarten, and I occasionally joined my friend for Saturday mass. - Christi's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/avilabeach77/